Wednesday, July 4, 2012

...the good, the bad, and the eff this I'm never doing it again!

Good day, six people who read my blog!  It has been a long time - I know!  (no, I'm not apologizing!  I'm blogging - that's better than an apology!)

This week has been an interesting one.... I started out with some beer can chicken on the grill - it was good. REALLLLLLY good.  I'm not going to bother with posting it right now, because it's a holiday - and I'm blogging between recipes... that's the bad part..... (but I'm not screwing up these strawberry margarita jello shots I'm creating with my own brain power right now!)  I wanted to tell you about the beyond ugly from last night.... yes, the eff this, I'm never doing it again!  It was operation grilled Hawaiian pizza.  and it was HIDEOUS!

This would have been so much better if everyone could have been here.  I REALLY needed my film crew here last night!  I did get a few pics despite my dough covered hands, outbursts of f-bombs, and beer chugging!  This would also be better if I could have done it last night like I planned - you know while I was still irritated/frustrated/about to have a meltdown..... but I got pepper juice in my eye because I'm an asshole.  (leave it at that - I don't know how it happened, I followed safety procedures and still ended up holding my eyeball open under the faucet!)

Let me give you the back story.... if you didn't already know - my family is pretty talented in culinary arts.  We all have our strengths - Dad is one of the most talented - he's a grill hound, a master baker, and went to Wilton cake decorating school  (oh yeah!) ..... Sister #1 is pretty well rounded, she's great at throwing together a last minute side dish, and she follows Dad with her cake decorating skills.  Mom's the pie queen, she pretty much loathes cooking, though..... I will say .... at the very moment, she's making fruit sculptures.... that's her thing..  She can never say she doesn't love a good art project - even when it involves food!  Sister #2 is my cooking twin!  We try everything!  We know we pretty much suck at baking and should leave the desserts to other people, but we're not scared!  Sister #3.... master of all things potato, green bean, casserole, and cake.... guess that makes her pretty well rounded too.  I hear about how I should leave the baking alone pretty frequently.... for being such a nerd, you'd think I would be good at it - since baking is chemistry..... and I love science and math!  I guess - I just don't like that in the kitchen.   I've been trying, though.  I've been practicing, and it hasn't hurt my efforts.  I was even successful at Christmas - Dad & I made homemade rolls together - things were looking up for me...... until last night.  I understand - grilled pizza isn't exactly baking - but when it comes to dough - it is baking....

Mom said it best - I was cheap and I bought the pizza dough mix instead of just getting the refrigerated dough..... I don't remotely know how anyone could end up with actual usable dough from that.... I followed the directions exactly.... and it was nothing but a sticky blob!  I almost cried three times!  I was ready to put it in the garbage - mom threw in a bunch of flour - we thought it was better..... (her exact words were - I know my dough!  ..... she does make a lot of pie crust.... but looks are obviously deceiving!)  took it out to make a first attempt at putting it on the grill...... aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh sticky blob again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Dad says - go add more flour, and roll it out ..... okay - he's a dough professional!  .....done and done.... took the shit back in the house, added a bunch of flour, rolled it out onto FLOURED WAX PAPER......... thinking it is going perfectly.... back outside..... can't peel it off of the paper!!!  paper tearing and getting stuck in dough....... WTF?!!!  This is when the outbursts of effs and heavy drinking came in - OH - and when I gave up, Dad kept laughing and picking dough off of the paper - and probably the dirty outdoor table......  and I snapped some pics while covered in dough.

See the beer and the dirty table?  I didn't care at that point!  I thought it was headed to the garbage!  More beer than what is picture was consumed in a very short period of time while I was having a cussing fit! 

he managed to get a very small dough from the three we should have had while I went crazy, busted my heel on a garden paver, and almost took out the golden retriever.  We flipped it, flopped it, almost dropped it a few times..... we had to order back-up pizza after I spent a ton of money on ingredients (I skimped on not getting refrigerated dough - but who wouldn't?  I had to buy muenster!)  ..... waste of charcoal, time, ingredients and sanity!   I hate that no one else will ever get to taste this - not even a point in telling you how to do it - because grilling pizza is STUPID!!!

Don't be fooled - grilled pizza is NOT a good idea!

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