Wednesday, July 4, 2012

...the good, the bad, and the eff this I'm never doing it again!

Good day, six people who read my blog!  It has been a long time - I know!  (no, I'm not apologizing!  I'm blogging - that's better than an apology!)

This week has been an interesting one.... I started out with some beer can chicken on the grill - it was good. REALLLLLLY good.  I'm not going to bother with posting it right now, because it's a holiday - and I'm blogging between recipes... that's the bad part..... (but I'm not screwing up these strawberry margarita jello shots I'm creating with my own brain power right now!)  I wanted to tell you about the beyond ugly from last night.... yes, the eff this, I'm never doing it again!  It was operation grilled Hawaiian pizza.  and it was HIDEOUS!

This would have been so much better if everyone could have been here.  I REALLY needed my film crew here last night!  I did get a few pics despite my dough covered hands, outbursts of f-bombs, and beer chugging!  This would also be better if I could have done it last night like I planned - you know while I was still irritated/frustrated/about to have a meltdown..... but I got pepper juice in my eye because I'm an asshole.  (leave it at that - I don't know how it happened, I followed safety procedures and still ended up holding my eyeball open under the faucet!)

Let me give you the back story.... if you didn't already know - my family is pretty talented in culinary arts.  We all have our strengths - Dad is one of the most talented - he's a grill hound, a master baker, and went to Wilton cake decorating school  (oh yeah!) ..... Sister #1 is pretty well rounded, she's great at throwing together a last minute side dish, and she follows Dad with her cake decorating skills.  Mom's the pie queen, she pretty much loathes cooking, though..... I will say .... at the very moment, she's making fruit sculptures.... that's her thing..  She can never say she doesn't love a good art project - even when it involves food!  Sister #2 is my cooking twin!  We try everything!  We know we pretty much suck at baking and should leave the desserts to other people, but we're not scared!  Sister #3.... master of all things potato, green bean, casserole, and cake.... guess that makes her pretty well rounded too.  I hear about how I should leave the baking alone pretty frequently.... for being such a nerd, you'd think I would be good at it - since baking is chemistry..... and I love science and math!  I guess - I just don't like that in the kitchen.   I've been trying, though.  I've been practicing, and it hasn't hurt my efforts.  I was even successful at Christmas - Dad & I made homemade rolls together - things were looking up for me...... until last night.  I understand - grilled pizza isn't exactly baking - but when it comes to dough - it is baking....

Mom said it best - I was cheap and I bought the pizza dough mix instead of just getting the refrigerated dough..... I don't remotely know how anyone could end up with actual usable dough from that.... I followed the directions exactly.... and it was nothing but a sticky blob!  I almost cried three times!  I was ready to put it in the garbage - mom threw in a bunch of flour - we thought it was better..... (her exact words were - I know my dough!  ..... she does make a lot of pie crust.... but looks are obviously deceiving!)  took it out to make a first attempt at putting it on the grill...... aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh sticky blob again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Dad says - go add more flour, and roll it out ..... okay - he's a dough professional!  .....done and done.... took the shit back in the house, added a bunch of flour, rolled it out onto FLOURED WAX PAPER......... thinking it is going perfectly.... back outside..... can't peel it off of the paper!!!  paper tearing and getting stuck in dough....... WTF?!!!  This is when the outbursts of effs and heavy drinking came in - OH - and when I gave up, Dad kept laughing and picking dough off of the paper - and probably the dirty outdoor table......  and I snapped some pics while covered in dough.

See the beer and the dirty table?  I didn't care at that point!  I thought it was headed to the garbage!  More beer than what is picture was consumed in a very short period of time while I was having a cussing fit! 

he managed to get a very small dough from the three we should have had while I went crazy, busted my heel on a garden paver, and almost took out the golden retriever.  We flipped it, flopped it, almost dropped it a few times..... we had to order back-up pizza after I spent a ton of money on ingredients (I skimped on not getting refrigerated dough - but who wouldn't?  I had to buy muenster!)  ..... waste of charcoal, time, ingredients and sanity!   I hate that no one else will ever get to taste this - not even a point in telling you how to do it - because grilling pizza is STUPID!!!

Don't be fooled - grilled pizza is NOT a good idea!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

...for Tara - and anyone else who wants a food baby

gave a shower for my best lady and her (now born) baby - if that tells you how long I've been sitting on this one.  Tara has asked me more than once now too to give her the damn recipe because she's throwing a shower.  I won't bother posting any photos - frankly, I don't have any.   SORRY!  I was effing busy that week!   be glad I'm sharing this recipe with you - because I kinda don't want to! By kinda- I mean... I really don't want to!  That's how good they were!  I could sell this shit for catering gigs and make bank - but I'm going to share with you - because I'm the best ever!

now - I gotta find that cookbook.... back in twenty.

FINE!  it really only took me three minutes to find it because I keep my precious(es) close at all times.

I happened upon this super recipe in a free (by that I mean it came with a magazine subscription) cookbook I got.... it is called 101 Quick & Easy Recipes - powered by apparently.  Freaking delish - that's all that matters!

What you'll need

  • an oven
  • butter
  • mayo (the real deal)
  • coarse-grained mustard
  • onion
  • poppy seeds
  • croissants (yanno - 8 big ones for one round)
  • deli ham - sliced thin - if your deli makes you choose a number... say POINT FIVE to them... they might get it right.... and if you're going one round... get a pound and a half... because you'll want a pound for the sammies - but you know you're going to eat some!
  • 8 1-oz slices of Swiss cheese - cut in half...... yeah, I don't know... just put cheese on that shit!  you can't have too much cheese!
  • bowl
  • measuring cups and spoons
  • scraping spatula
  • grater or food processor that can grate
  • some kind of baking sheet
  • probably some foil and/or parchment paper
  • possibly zip-lock (yeah, I don't call them zip top bags... that's stupid.) bags
  • maybe a freezer
  • a calendar if you say yes to the zip-locks and freezer
Okay - pretty sure that's it... OH shit... A KNIFE!  you need a knife!  and probably A CUTTING BOARD!  get that, yeah... OH YEAH... SINK+RUNNING WATER+SOAP+YOUR SKANKY HANDS!!  no one wants your butt flakes in their food or in the air they breathe!  (Super Dick says: don't wear thongs and always wash your hands!)  (I know you don't like that name, but I am trying to uphold anonymity here!  so - you're welcome even though no one who reads this knows you - and you'll never read it!)  <----- proof my medicine died hours ago and I shouldn't be typing anything anyone will read!

Let's do this!

  1. If you didn't get the message from two seconds ago... wash your hands, sicko! 
  2. Make sure your butter is soft, if it isn't - 15 seconds in the microwave is more than enough time to soften it up.
  3. Shred onion up using grater or food processor.  any extra that you have can go in one of those zip-lock bags and then you can toss it in the freezer and use it for a billion other things
  4. Toss 1/4 cup softened butter, 1/4 cup mayo, 3 Tables of mustard, 1 Table of grated onion & 2 Tisps (if you don't speak recipe and/or Caso fluently. - Tables and Tablespoons - Tisps are teaspoons) into that bowl and stir with scraping spatula until mixed.
  5. Get that bowl of stuff out of your way for a bit while you use that knife I forgot to tell you about to cut the croissants in half on the cutting board I also forgot to tell you about.
  6. Now - we get difficult.  Use the scraping spatula to spread the condiment mixture on to both halves of the croissants.
  7. Put cheese slices that you have cut in half.... on top of the condiment mix.  Yeah, both halves.  Put ham on bottom half - put top half on top.... yanno.... where it goes.... 
  8. If you want to bake these right away.... put them on a parchment lined baking sheet - get your oven to 350 - then bake them for about 15 minutes.   Then you can enjoy impregnating yourself with a food baby - but beware that shit will be HOTTTTT
  9. Kay  - so... if you want to make these ahead of time... wrap each one in foil then shove in zip-lock(s).  Probably want to write on the outside what day you put them in the freezer and mark on your calendar when they will be expiring.... they'll be good in the freezer for up to a month.  ALSO - if you just have left over sauce... put it in some kind of gladware or something - and label it.... use within the month.
  10. If you are ready to now cook sandwiches you had frozen........... preheat your oven to 350, take them out of the plastic bags and stick them on a baking sheet.  You should leave the foil on these.  bake them for 1 hour or until they are thoroughly heated and delicious!
There are microwave directions for the frozen ones - but that's just lazy.  Don't be a lazy microwaving asshole.  Enjoy these sandwiches - and judge away at my insanity.  Next time - I'll try to take pics and I'll also try to be medicated when I blog again!  BYE BYE!

**Full on fatty ingredients and everything.... each sandwich is 12 points on WW PointsPlus**

Sunday, April 15, 2012

gotta be kidding...

I told you guys... I would be back at this sooner or later... shit be crazy, not back in full force yet.... I did want to let you know, however, I signed up for weight watchers today!  I know, I know!   I don't do that kind of shit on here!  I promise, I'm not going to start eating crap like... I can't believe it's not butter.... because yanno what?  I can' believe it's not butter, because it SUCKS!!!!  This might be great for anyone else who does weight watchers, or who wants to..... because I decided... since I have to put my recipes in to calculate the points anyway... I should just put a little note on the bottom of the post to let you know how many points a serving of the deliciousness is... believe me - I'm the last person to say crap like... NO - don't eat that cake!  I'm just going to tell you.... I'm gonna eat that cake... and the rest of the day I am going to have veggies and water..... because no matter how much weight I lose - I'm always a fatty at heart... and NOTHING can make me give up good tasting food... thus... weight watchers is the winner so I can actually eat what I want!