...the good, the bad, and the eff this I'm never doing it again!

Good day, six people who read my blog!  It has been a long time - I know!  (no, I'm not apologizing!  I'm blogging - that's better than an apology!)

This week has been an interesting one.... I started out with some beer can chicken on the grill - it was good. REALLLLLLY good.  I'm not going to bother with posting it right now, because it's a holiday - and I'm blogging between recipes... that's the bad part..... (but I'm not screwing up these strawberry margarita jello shots I'm creating with my own brain power right now!)  I wanted to tell you about the beyond ugly from last night.... yes, the eff this, I'm never doing it again!  It was operation grilled Hawaiian pizza.  and it was HIDEOUS!

This would have been so much better if everyone could have been here.  I REALLY needed my film crew here last night!  I did get a few pics despite my dough covered hands, outbursts of f-bombs, and beer chugging!  This would also be better if I could have done it last night like I planned - you know while I was still irritated/frustrated/about to have a meltdown..... but I got pepper juice in my eye because I'm an asshole.  (leave it at that - I don't know how it happened, I followed safety procedures and still ended up holding my eyeball open under the faucet!)

Let me give you the back story.... if you didn't already know - my family is pretty talented in culinary arts.  We all have our strengths - Dad is one of the most talented - he's a grill hound, a master baker, and went to Wilton cake decorating school  (oh yeah!) ..... Sister #1 is pretty well rounded, she's great at throwing together a last minute side dish, and she follows Dad with her cake decorating skills.  Mom's the pie queen, she pretty much loathes cooking, though..... I will say .... at the very moment, she's making fruit sculptures.... that's her thing..  She can never say she doesn't love a good art project - even when it involves food!  Sister #2 is my cooking twin!  We try everything!  We know we pretty much suck at baking and should leave the desserts to other people, but we're not scared!  Sister #3.... master of all things potato, green bean, casserole, and cake.... guess that makes her pretty well rounded too.  I hear about how I should leave the baking alone pretty frequently.... for being such a nerd, you'd think I would be good at it - since baking is chemistry..... and I love science and math!  I guess - I just don't like that in the kitchen.   I've been trying, though.  I've been practicing, and it hasn't hurt my efforts.  I was even successful at Christmas - Dad & I made homemade rolls together - things were looking up for me...... until last night.  I understand - grilled pizza isn't exactly baking - but when it comes to dough - it is baking....

Mom said it best - I was cheap and I bought the pizza dough mix instead of just getting the refrigerated dough..... I don't remotely know how anyone could end up with actual usable dough from that.... I followed the directions exactly.... and it was nothing but a sticky blob!  I almost cried three times!  I was ready to put it in the garbage - mom threw in a bunch of flour - we thought it was better..... (her exact words were - I know my dough!  ..... she does make a lot of pie crust.... but looks are obviously deceiving!)  took it out to make a first attempt at putting it on the grill...... aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh sticky blob again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Dad says - go add more flour, and roll it out ..... okay - he's a dough professional!  .....done and done.... took the shit back in the house, added a bunch of flour, rolled it out onto FLOURED WAX PAPER......... thinking it is going perfectly.... back outside..... can't peel it off of the paper!!!  paper tearing and getting stuck in dough....... WTF?!!!  This is when the outbursts of effs and heavy drinking came in - OH - and when I gave up, Dad kept laughing and picking dough off of the paper - and probably the dirty outdoor table......  and I snapped some pics while covered in dough.

See the beer and the dirty table?  I didn't care at that point!  I thought it was headed to the garbage!  More beer than what is picture was consumed in a very short period of time while I was having a cussing fit! 

he managed to get a very small dough from the three we should have had while I went crazy, busted my heel on a garden paver, and almost took out the golden retriever.  We flipped it, flopped it, almost dropped it a few times..... we had to order back-up pizza after I spent a ton of money on ingredients (I skimped on not getting refrigerated dough - but who wouldn't?  I had to buy muenster!)  ..... waste of charcoal, time, ingredients and sanity!   I hate that no one else will ever get to taste this - not even a point in telling you how to do it - because grilling pizza is STUPID!!!

Don't be fooled - grilled pizza is NOT a good idea!

...for Tara - and anyone else who wants a food baby

gave a shower for my best lady and her (now born) baby - if that tells you how long I've been sitting on this one.  Tara has asked me more than once now too to give her the damn recipe because she's throwing a shower.  I won't bother posting any photos - frankly, I don't have any.   SORRY!  I was effing busy that week!   be glad I'm sharing this recipe with you - because I kinda don't want to! By kinda- I mean... I really don't want to!  That's how good they were!  I could sell this shit for catering gigs and make bank - but I'm going to share with you - because I'm the best ever!

now - I gotta find that cookbook.... back in twenty.

FINE!  it really only took me three minutes to find it because I keep my precious(es) close at all times.

I happened upon this super recipe in a free (by that I mean it came with a magazine subscription) cookbook I got.... it is called 101 Quick & Easy Recipes - powered by myrecipes.com apparently.  Freaking delish - that's all that matters!

What you'll need

• an oven
• butter
• mayo (the real deal)
• coarse-grained mustard
• onion
• poppy seeds
• croissants (yanno - 8 big ones for one round)
• deli ham - sliced thin - if your deli makes you choose a number... say POINT FIVE to them... they might get it right.... and if you're going one round... get a pound and a half... because you'll want a pound for the sammies - but you know you're going to eat some!
• 8 1-oz slices of Swiss cheese - cut in half...... yeah, I don't know... just put cheese on that shit!  you can't have too much cheese!
• bowl
• measuring cups and spoons
• scraping spatula
• grater or food processor that can grate
• some kind of baking sheet
• probably some foil and/or parchment paper
• possibly zip-lock (yeah, I don't call them zip top bags... that's stupid.) bags
• maybe a freezer
• a calendar if you say yes to the zip-locks and freezer

Okay - pretty sure that's it... OH shit... A KNIFE!  you need a knife!  and probably A CUTTING BOARD!  get that, yeah... OH YEAH... SINK+RUNNING WATER+SOAP+YOUR SKANKY HANDS!!  no one wants your butt flakes in their food or in the air they breathe!  (Super Dick says: don't wear thongs and always wash your hands!)  (I know you don't like that name, but I am trying to uphold anonymity here!  so - you're welcome even though no one who reads this knows you - and you'll never read it!)  <----- proof my medicine died hours ago and I shouldn't be typing anything anyone will read!

Let's do this!

1. If you didn't get the message from two seconds ago... wash your hands, sicko! 
2. Make sure your butter is soft, if it isn't - 15 seconds in the microwave is more than enough time to soften it up.
3. Shred onion up using grater or food processor.  any extra that you have can go in one of those zip-lock bags and then you can toss it in the freezer and use it for a billion other things
4. Toss 1/4 cup softened butter, 1/4 cup mayo, 3 Tables of mustard, 1 Table of grated onion & 2 Tisps (if you don't speak recipe and/or Caso fluently. - Tables and Tablespoons - Tisps are teaspoons) into that bowl and stir with scraping spatula until mixed.
5. Get that bowl of stuff out of your way for a bit while you use that knife I forgot to tell you about to cut the croissants in half on the cutting board I also forgot to tell you about.
6. Now - we get difficult.  Use the scraping spatula to spread the condiment mixture on to both halves of the croissants.
7. Put cheese slices that you have cut in half.... on top of the condiment mix.  Yeah, both halves.  Put ham on bottom half - put top half on top.... yanno.... where it goes.... 
8. If you want to bake these right away.... put them on a parchment lined baking sheet - get your oven to 350 - then bake them for about 15 minutes.   Then you can enjoy impregnating yourself with a food baby - but beware that shit will be HOTTTTT
9. Kay  - so... if you want to make these ahead of time... wrap each one in foil then shove in zip-lock(s).  Probably want to write on the outside what day you put them in the freezer and mark on your calendar when they will be expiring.... they'll be good in the freezer for up to a month.  ALSO - if you just have left over sauce... put it in some kind of gladware or something - and label it.... use within the month.
10. If you are ready to now cook sandwiches you had frozen........... preheat your oven to 350, take them out of the plastic bags and stick them on a baking sheet.  You should leave the foil on these.  bake them for 1 hour or until they are thoroughly heated and delicious!

There are microwave directions for the frozen ones - but that's just lazy.  Don't be a lazy microwaving asshole.  Enjoy these sandwiches - and judge away at my insanity.  Next time - I'll try to take pics and I'll also try to be medicated when I blog again!  BYE BYE!

**Full on fatty ingredients and everything.... each sandwich is 12 points on WW PointsPlus**

gotta be kidding...

I told you guys... I would be back at this sooner or later... shit be crazy, not back in full force yet.... I did want to let you know, however, I signed up for weight watchers today!  I know, I know!   I don't do that kind of shit on here!  I promise, I'm not going to start eating crap like... I can't believe it's not butter.... because yanno what?  I can' believe it's not butter, because it SUCKS!!!!  This might be great for anyone else who does weight watchers, or who wants to..... because I decided... since I have to put my recipes in to calculate the points anyway... I should just put a little note on the bottom of the post to let you know how many points a serving of the deliciousness is... believe me - I'm the last person to say crap like... NO - don't eat that cake!  I'm just going to tell you.... I'm gonna eat that cake... and the rest of the day I am going to have veggies and water..... because no matter how much weight I lose - I'm always a fatty at heart... and NOTHING can make me give up good tasting food... thus... weight watchers is the winner so I can actually eat what I want!

Cheers!

gotta call people out on a lie!

I'm out of hiding to bring you this important message:

NO MATTER WHO TELLS YOU THAT KALE CHIPS ARE AS GOOD OR BETTER THAN REGULAR CHIPS- IT IS IS A LIE!!

Kale chips are nowhere near as delicious as plain Lays - if you don't have calories to waste on chips - you should just not eat chips! Don't lie to yourself - or other people!  There's no replacement for Lays potato chips!

sooo you think I'm lying to you now?

I made these - they make your house smell like cabbage - and they taste like bitter, salty feet.  They aren't crunchy - they try to disintegrate in your mouth.  If you still don't believe me.... make your own.

Wash some Kale, get rid of the stems, dry it, toss it in a little bit of olive oil, toss on a parchment lined baking sheet, salt - bake for about 10-ish minutes on 375 - the edges will looks brownish - but won't be burn-y. 

I ate three, then that shit went in the garbage!  Today - I'll be finding a grab bag of Lays to apologize to my taste buds.  And - if you like these - you just don't know what tastes good - and you should also get a grab bag of Lays!  I don't care if you want to tell me these are sooo much healthier - blah blah freakin blah! I don't eat chips every day - and when I want chips - I will eat them, dammit! In response to your lies about replacing junk food with "equally delicious" healthy versions - EFF YOU!  Have a nice day!

Boooooooo

If you say you like lean cuisine... You're either lying to yourself and everyone else you say it to and Jesus isn't smiling... Or, you have no taste buds. No other options....it is that bad... Even the best lean cuisine isn't worth it....no matter what selling point you offer, I will come back at you with: no, not worth it.

Dear world...

Dear world. I love cheese! I have never met a cheese I didn't like, some I like more than others, but really, I just live cheese!!! I kind feel like I should be on taboo.... Anyone else feel like sharing a food obsession today?

...long time

I realize I have been gone for quite some time... I haven't given up cooking, or blogging.  Nope, no chance of getting rid of me that easily!  I have, however, been ridiculously overwhelmed with school. BOO!!  School!!

Today, I have a little reprieve, though.  From school anyway.  We're having a cookie exchange at church tomorrow - and each person is supposed to bring 3 dozen cookies to exchange.  What does that mean in my world?  It means..... even if we bring a dozen of each type... and there are 12 people exchanging .... we would each get one cookie of each kind.  That kinda freakin blows!  I hope other people have considered this and will  also bring more than one dozen of each type.  Plus, I have never found a cookie recipe that only makes 12 cookies.  That is stupid.  Who in his/her right mind would only want 12 cookies?  Nobody, that's who!

Soooooo - I'm making 6 (yes, I'm making my mom's flavors, too) kinds of cookies - and when I say cookies, I mean I'm going to make some biscotti and peppermint bark and pretend like that equals cookies... because I want biscotti and peppermint bark, dammit!


Hopefully, I can get this accomplished, and get at least a couple of recipes (or extreme failures) posted for you folks this week - turns out I have a couple of vacation days.... someone should pressure me in to excessive blog posts while I have the chance!

Eat Me! ....I'm creamy and sweet

I made a layered dessert for Friday Treats at work.  Guess what?  I'm not giving you that one yet!  Oh, I know!  Stop whining!  It was a chocolate thing, and it is rich, and frankly, I just ate so much pasta for dinner, I don't want to think about rich and chocolaty! But, I'm going to give you a portion of the recipe, because when I made that dessert on Friday morning, I realized that one of the layers is amazingly tasty - and I used it for another purpose.  While this could still be pretty unhealthy (okay, it is a sugary mess) it is still better than the full on layered chocolate thing. (I ate it for breakfast on Friday - it is REALLLLLLY unhealthy as far as breakfasts go... but not the worst possible thing you could eat as far as desserts go!)

Best part of this - four ingredients, five minutes or less.  That's right, I just stuck it to two shows with one recipe!

What you'll need

• 8oz cream cheese, softened
•  1 cup of  confectioner's sugar
• 4oz Cool Whip (please do not attempt to use real whipped cream.  It doesn't hold up to the weight of the cream cheese)
• Strawberries (if you want to use another type of fruit, go ahead.  I just find that strawberries and cream cheese are delicious together)
• A knife
• A bowl for serving
• A bowl for mixing (If you have one with a lid, use it.  Then you won't need a storage container)
• A storage container
• A sink, running water, soap, towels
• A mixer (I use a hand mixer)
• A scraping spatula
• A spoon for eating with

Okay, I'm pretty positive that you should be able to get your hands on those items.... and I think that should be all you need!

Let's do this!

1. Wash your hands, use the soap on them.... while you've got the water running, rinse your fruit. Roughly chop the fruit into the serving bowl.  (Please don't chop off a finger!)  Wash your hands again, and dry them this time.
2. Dump the cream cheese and sugar into the mixing bowl.  Mix well.  Use the scraping spatula to scrape the sides of the bowl down.  Mix in any of the stuff that you scraped in.
3. Fold in Cool Whip.  (By that, I mean use the lowest setting possible - I don't expect you to put muscle into this!)
4. Remove beater(s), scrape off cream cheese mixture into the bowl.  Lick any remaining deliciousness off of the beater(s) before you worry about putting them in the sink.
5. Slap a dollop (or in the case of the photo I provided, a huge scoop!) of this creamy concoction on top of the fruit.  Grab your spoon, and ingest. 
6. If you didn't use a mixing bowl with a lid, be sure to move it into container and store it in the fridge.  If you did.... then just pop the lid on and toss it in the fridge for breakfast in the morning! 

So, if this takes you more than five minutes to make... you didn't read the whole post before you started.  That isn't my fault!  Read, get your stuff together, then begin.  It is important that you cream cheese be softened before you start mixing.... so, when you're planning to make this... put your cheese out a few hours early.  No, I don't think that counts in how long it takes to make.  Opening the fridge, grabbing one item, and tossing it on the counter where it will be ignored for three hours.... nope.  You're a lazy jerk off if you think that counts!  Have fun with this - let me know what other kind of delicious stuff you put this on!  I thought it would be tasty if you put it on some chessmen cookies or something... whatever! OH - graham crackers are healthy.. spread it on that! HAHAHAHA!  You can find this one in phoodos with all of the past recipes.  Look for more to come next week!  (or sooner if I get wild and crazy!)  Enjoy!

Eat Me! ...I'm easy!

Okay, I know this is late.. might as well consider it early!  I did give you an entire menu last week!  Here's a quick, easy, and rather healthy dish.  Serve it as a side, or make it the star of lunch!  Honestly, this would be delish as a sandwich.  Get some good crusty bread, take a stance on including the basil or not.... I can GUARANTEE it will be delicious, because I ate it every day when I went to Italy!

Sooooo, hit the farmer's market, or your garden, or any other place you can get some tomatoes.... and get ready for this!

What you'll need

• Tomatoes
• Mozzarella (not the tiny balls, and not the super hard block)
• Olive Oil (the good stuff)
• Salt (I use sea salt in a grinder - FANCY)
• Pepper (freshly cracked is better on this one)
• Fresh Basil
• A knife (pretty sharp one)
• A cutting board
• A decent size plate/platter
• Tongs
• Sink, running water, soap, kitchen towels (yes, the s is there for a reason)

I'm fairly sure that is all you'll need to get this one together.  I'll stop dragging my feet, and get a move on!

Let's do this!

1. Wash your dirty hands! (I don't want to know where those paws have been, I imagine it isn't good...wallet, grocery store aisle, garden dirt, seeeeeee!) Yes: water, soap, ABCs, water, towel.
2. After your hands are clean, give your tomatoes and basil a shower.  When you're comfortable with the level of cleanliness your produce has achieved, let it rest on a kitchen towel to drip dry a bit.
3. Gather your remaining items in a central location, bring the produce over to the party, and let's get chopping!
4. (Cutting board + knife + careful use......) Slice your tomatoes, grind some S&P over them, then let them rest on the platter while you slice the mozzarella.  (Yep.  Cross-contaminate to your heart's desire.  Honestly, I don't think you're cross-contaminating jack in the situation!  The stuff is all going together in a raw presentation, no big freakin' deal!  Obviously, if something is wrong with your board or tomatoes, you'll already be getting sick when you eat the tomatoes!  Don't be ridiculous!  Use a clean board when you start, and I already told you to wash off your produce.)
5. Once you have your tomatoes and cheese sliced, arrange in the fashion you prefer.  I do lines, alternating tomato and cheese.... 
6. Once arranged, drizzle some good olive oil over the top, add a bit more S&P if needed, and give it a rest while you quickly chop the basil.
7. Once chopped, sprinkle the basil over the top, garnish with a few leaves if desired.

Done and done!  Simple, quick, and delicious!  Notice, I didn't give you any idea of how much tomato or cheese to use.  I feed about six, side-dish style... with two big tomatoes and an equivalent amount of cheese.  You know I don't actually measure stuff when it isn't necessary!  Leftovers are great on a sandwich: hot or cold... yep!  make it a panini!  If you don't make enough, it should be easy enough to make another round!  Do enjoy!  Share your stuff with us via sausage links, and despite the simple instructions that I expect you'll have memorized... this will be indexed in phoodos for your convenience!  Happy cheffery! 

Eat Me! ....I'm sweet, buttery, and delicious!

The final installment in this week's challenge.  I've been blogging up a storm - all I want right now is a blizzard and a nap!  The corn cakes have been waiting for me to post them for quite some time now!  I did a pick-and-choose, add-and-subtract kind of mash-up to come up with this recipe.  I didn't like anything anyone had to offer - mostly because I wanted my recipe to be more... convenient for what I had in the fridge the first time I made it.

The consistency of the cakes are what I imagine the British refer to as pudding.  Not really cakes at all.  Just a warning before I give you this photo and you tell me I'm stupid.

This has to bake for an hour - so time yourself accordingly.  Ready, set, get prepped!

What you'll need

• Sink, water, soap, towels....
• Butter (1/2 cup, softened a bit) - real butter, I tried substituting margarine once (I fed it to Tara, it wasn't the best they have ever been - so Tara, give them a retry)
• 1/3 cup Masa Harina - that's finely ground corn flour.  (I have a big bag of it if you want to borrow some.  Then sell it at Kroger, probably Save-a-lot, and International groceries)
• Cream-style corn... yes, from a can... a regular size can, it's not quite 15oz.
• 1/4 cup cornmeal
• 1/3 cup sugar
• Heavy cream (yes, this is one of my favorite ingredients and I often have it on hand)
• Salt
• Baking powder
• A roasting pan - like the one you use for your turkey during the holidays
• An oven
• An oven-safe dish for baking that has a lid - something like a 9x9.
• A mixer (I used a hand mixer)
• Two bowls
• A scraping spatula
• Hot pads/oven mitts/protection
• Can opener
• Measuring cup & spoons
• Ice cream scoop
• Whisk

I'm hoping that's all you'll need for this one.  Getting right to it - no time to waste with corny jokes - okay okay!

Let's do this!

1. Preheat your oven to 350.  Skip over to the sink with your roasting pan.  Wash then dry your hands, fold up an extra kitchen towel and put it in the bottom of your roasting pan.  Fill the pan about halfway with hot water, and get it out of the way.  Be careful not to dump water everywhere.
2. In one bowl, whisk sugar (1/3 cup), cream (2 Tbsp.), salt (1/4 tsp. - aka, dash), and baking powder (1/2 tsp.), together until well combined.  Set aside.
3. In your other bowl (if you're using a stand mixer, use the appropriate bowl) - dump out your semi-soft butter, and beat it until it is nice and creamy.  Add about a 1/4 cup of water, and 1/3 cup masa harina. Beat it (just beat it!) until well combined.
4. Grab your can of corn and can opener.  Beat the corn can and act like a Neanderthal to be funny, then open it properly. Add the corn to the butter mixture, stir, then dump the contents of the other bowl (you know, the sugar, cream, salt, and baking powder) into the buttery, corn mess.
5. Mix well, scrape the mixture out of the bowl and into your 9x9 (or whatever similar sized) dish.  If you need to grease the pan - use butter so you don't contaminate the batter.
6. Cover your dish, put it in the roasting pan - the towel will help reduce sliding.  It works like those sticky things that old people and hotels put in the shower.  I hate those things!  Tub treads.  Sheesh!
7. Bake your corn cakes at 350 - in the water bath - for about an hour.  Be super careful removing these from the oven.  I suggest the roasting pan - because many of them have good handles so you can avoid the hot water.  If you don't have one, the cheapies get the job done.  
8. Serve the cakes with your ice cream scoop - like mashed potatoes from elementary school!

Now, you can get hopping on this 4 part challenge.  For those of you not making the full menu, ignore that!  This one will be in phoodos, and if you're doing this as part of the challenge - post your results and link up on the sausage links page!  Now, I need to find a blizzard replacement since DQ is closed......... hmmmmmm

Eat Me! ....I'm the health-nut hot friend!

This is the healthiest recipe I have ever posted.  Next in line?  A boozy drink.  I'm not really as ashamed as I should be.  Healthy is DEFINITELY not always delicious - and delicious is often not that healthy.  I can't help it!  Anywho - this little hottie is bilingual, delicious, and easy!  Check her out!

Yep!  Healthy!  Vegetables!  Everyone excited?  I know you are!!!!!

What you'll need

• Spice Mix
• Chevre - that's goat cheese.  If you're not a fan, try feta, queso blanco, or any other cheese you want. You can skip the cheese too, but I the only way we can remain friends if you skip the cheese... is if it is for medical reasons.  If you simply do not like cheese, we cannot be friends. (That's right!  I just said I like cheese better than people who don't like cheese!)
• Olive oil
• A bowl
• A bar pan
• Parchment paper
• A knife, a cutting board, and a garlic press (again, if you have one.... if you don't have one by now, I hope you're realizing why I have one.  Yes, it is because I'm lazy and I don't like to chop garlic when I can press it.)
• Running water, sink, soap, towel.... 
• Something to stir with - something that isn't a spoon that you use to eat cereal.  It needs some muscles.
• Garlic
• Zucchini
• Yellow Squash
• Bell pepper - the color is up to you.  Choose based on flavor or price or a combination
• Tomatoes
• Limes - okay, probably one.  
• An oven and some hot pads/oven mits (I don't know what other people call them, but protection is important!  Safety first!)

Hope that I have you prepared - no promises.... at least not in this post!

Let's do this!

1. Wash your hands, then wash your produce.  Dry your hands, and set the produce aside to dry.
2. Get your chopping station ready to go.  Find some space on the counter or table, or wherever it is that you normally do your cooking... and set up with your cutting board, knife, garlic press, bowl, stirring utensil, spice mix, and oil.
3. Bring your veggies over to the prep station, give the zucchini, tomatoes, peppers, and squash a rough chop. (REALLLLLLY rough!  Big chunks/slices - try to keep the pieces similar in size for even cooking)
4. Toss the veggie pieces in the bowl, drizzle with a small amount of oil, squeeze the juice of the lime(s) in, press the garlic in, and dump some spice mix on top of all of it.
5. Stir the veggies, make sure they are all coated with spice mix.  Set the bowl aside, get the cutting board, knife and garlic press out of your way.
6. Preheat the oven to about 450.  Get your pan ready..... you know, slap the parchment paper on it and get it out of the way until you're ready for the oven.
7. Dump the veggies out onto the pan, spread the veggies into a single layer, pop the pan in the oven, reduce the heat to 425, and bake for about 25 minutes.  (Because the spice mix has cornstarch, the liquid that comes out of the veggies will thicken up nicely.  You don't have to stir or flip them.... but if your oven isn't exactly perfect, you might need to turn the pan around.)
8. When your veg is nice and roasty, take the pan out (use the protection!!!!) - turn the oven off, and crumble the Chevre (or the other cheese you decided on) over the veggies.  Pop the pan back in.  The cheese will roast up just fine as the oven begins to cool and it will keep your dish hot.

Here's the disclaimer..... If you don't have two ovens, then you will want to cook your veggies on the grill with your meat.  The corn cakes need the oven at 350 - realllllly not simpatico with the veggies.  BUT - if you can keep your corn cakes hot for 25 minutes, I suppose you can make them first.  I have three ovens.  Yes, three.  I know, and yes, it is necessary.  I think you can probably keep the corn cakes warm for 25 minutes - they are really freaking hot when they get done anyway.... and because you will cook them in a dish with a lid.... you can probably just wrap the dish up in some kitchen towels to reduce heat loss (like blankets for your side-dish) - or maybe you have some other fancy stuff... I don't know!

Enjoy the veggies!  The recipe will be on the phoodos page.  Be sure to share your sausage links - and look out of the corn cakes! Adios des amis!  (Oh!  The fusiony insanity!)

Eat Me! .... I taste delicious on taco-like stuff!

Welcome back!  This quick post doesn't come with a photo. Who really wants a photo of a spice mix?  That seems silly to me.  Why?  Mostly because I don't house this one in a fancy glass grinder, or even one of my spiffy magnetic containers.  That's right.  I keep it in a plastic container, hidden in the lazy-susan.  It has frequently been questioned, but has never fallen victim to the trash can.  It looks like a weird mess that my nieces tossed together - but it is a tasty base for tacos, fajitas, or in this case - the veggie side dish follow-up post.  This should take you about three minutes - but I'll gift you ten.  You do have to get a lot of different spices out.  So, in case you aren't organized like me (HAH! The spices are strewn about here - but they are in the same area) you should have plenty of time to gather everything. Again, if you can't grab it all at once, grow longer arms and quit whining!

What you'll need

• Chili Powder
• Salt
• Paprika
• Cornstarch
• Sugar
• Chicken Base (Bullion not in cubes.  I can buy this at Kroger in Anna - so I'm sure most people reading this can get some of it.  If not - you'll want bullion cubes or granules.  You can read the back and it typically tells you a conversion for measuring.... if not, put it in a ziplock bag and beat the hell out of it with something.  That's always fun - so maybe you should just do that anyway!)
• Onion Powder
• Ground Cayenne
• Ground Cumin
• Garlic Powder
• Measuring Spoons
• Whisk - appropriately sized for the bowl you use.
• Small bowl with lid (tupperware, gladware.... you get the point)

Okay, I'm positive that's all you need.  Probably never going to happen again!

Let's do this!

1. Gather all of your spices and hardware on the counter.  If the lid is on your bowl, take it off and get it out of the way for now.
2. Get your measuring spoons ready - pop the lids on all of your ingredients, and prepare yourself for measuring madness!  (Since you know I don't measure - please don't think I expect you to be precise.)
3. Dump the following ingredients into your bowl:
1. ~ 1 Tablespoon cornstarch
2. ~ 2 Teaspoons chili powder
3. ~ 1 Teaspoon salt
4. ~ 1 Teaspoon paprika
5. ~ 1 Teaspoon sugar
6. ~ 3/4 Teaspoon chicken base
7. ~ 1/2 Teaspoon onion powder
8. ~ 1/4 Teaspoon garlic powder
9. ~ 1/4 Teaspoon cayenne
10. ~ 1/4 Teaspoon cumin
4. If you are confused.... "~" is "about equal, or similar" in math.  Also - please note, that will make enough for about 1 recipe of whatever you are putting it on - if you're feeding 4-6.  So, if you're planning to keep it on hand for fajitas, tacos, whatever else.... double it.
5. Whisk it together, make sure there aren't lumps.... pop the lid on, and DONE!

Enjoy the spice mix!  This will NOT be in phoodos, I'll like back to the post from the upcoming veggie side-dish.  While I don't expect you to keep us posted on people eating this straight.... (that would be hilarious, though... so maybe I do expect you to tell me that!) I hope you'll share uses you find for it!

Eat Me! .... I'm spicy, drunk AND I have hot friends!

Bienvenidos, people!  Yes, I am aware that my Spanish greeting conflicts with my French blog title.  I don't care!   This week's challenge is either going to be more difficult - or easier.  Let me explain - I'm gifting you a menu this week.  That's right!  Four for the price of one!  (If the square root of soon is never....what's free divided by 4?)  Suck on that, extreme couponers!

So - I wouldn't call this Mexican food, and I wouldn't call it Tex-Mex.  I'd call it.... I made some stuff up that is Mexican food inspired.  Fusion? Eh.  Whatever.  Corn cakes might be semi-authentic.  I don't know.  I don't really care that much, either.  They are delicious, and that's all I care about.  If you are being really health conscious - skip the corn cakes, save up the calories the day you make them, or consider it dessert for the week.  Also, you should know that the corn cakes don't reheat well - so you're going to have to eat all of it.  So, invite your friends or family over - you'll probably want/need four people to finish off the corn cakes.

I'm going to shut up with the explanations and give you dish one - the main event.... the spicy, drunk chick(en) who has hot friends!

This chicken fell in to a pitcher of margaritas, rolled around in some garlic and chiles, then got torched on the grill.  I lovingly call it tequila-lime chicken.  Most of the time, it comes in wing form, but feel free to use any cut of chicken you like.  I'm not going to tell you how to grill it - I'm fairly sure you all know how to tell if chicken is cooked or not.  I'm going to lay my marinade/sauce recipe on you.  I think you (or your personal grill master) can manage the grilling portion - especially since I don't know what kind of chicken you're using.... anywho....

What you'll need

• A cutting board
• A sharp knife
• A garlic press (if you have one)
• A big bowl and a glass 9x13
• Whisk
• Tequila (about two shots - I use Jose Gold Especial)
• Garlic - a few cloves
• Some limes - I think I used 3
• Agave nectar (something like... a cup)
• Sugar
• Chili Powder with Salt & Lemon (This is a specialty product obtained from international grocery stores.  I have a huge bottle of it at my house - I use it in a number of things.... put it on popcorn, eggs, fajitas, tacos, whatever.  Happy to share the pinch you'll need!)
• Salt
• A couple of chile peppers - I specifically use garden salsa peppers... I grow them, I have some I can share right now if anyone wants to pick up this ingredient for free this week.  You can use whatever kind of medium heat chile you'd like.  If you aren't familiar with chiles, research them online, I'm not going to be responsible for any of you biting into a damn ghost chile.
• OH, what else.... A saucepan
• Some tongs for turning the chicken while it marinates
• Plastic wrap (if your bowl doesn't have a lid)
• Sink, soap, running water..... towel
• Scraping spatula

Okie Dokie - here's a quick photo of what my peppers look like - try the farmer's market, they can tell you what they have.

Okay - moving along... We're going to mix this stuff up.  You'll use the same batch for marinating and saucing.  That is - after you soak your meat in it, you'll bring it to a boil and reduce it into a syrupy sauce.  Don't get freaked out - you'll boil the bacteria to death!

Let's do this!

1. Wash your hands, rinse your peppers, rinse your limes.  I suggest rinsing limes in warm water to get the waxy crap off of them.  Your going to zest them.  Oh yeah, guess you should grab a microplane or a zester, or whatever you use... or consider extra limes if you don't use zest.
2. Use your sharp knife to slice up the peppers.  I make thin rings of peppers - do whatever makes you happy.  Please leave the seeds in for spiciness!  Toss the peppers into your marinating bowl.
3. Press your garlic into the bowl - or, chop it as fine as possible and toss it in with the peppers.
4. Dump the tequila into the bowl, take a shot if you want (I do!!), zest the limes over the bowl, then cut them in half and add the juice.... squeeze in some agave nectar, dump in little salt, and a pinch of the special chili powder.  Whisk it all together - it will look like the photo on the left at the end of the directions.
5. Slap your choice of chicken in that stuff.  Wash your hands - then put a lid on it, or plastic wrap it.  I let mine marinate for at least two hours - turning a few times with the tongs.  Please keep it refrigerated while marinating.  I don't want anyone getting ill... Thank you!  Whenever you decide to put this stuff on the grill - remove it from the marinade, put it in that glass 9x13 and let it sit for 15 minutes or so.  Also, beware that this stuff will burn - it has a lot of sugar in it!  So, lower heat is better than flames still shooting out.... and don't forget to take the grill spray out and grease up your meat before you bring on the heat.
6. While the meat is on the grill, you've got to make saucy magic happen!  Pour the marinade into the saucepan, use your scraping spatula to get all of the garlic and pepper bits into the pan.  Add a little bit of sugar - honestly, a little... no more than a quarter of a cup....reduce the sauce over medium heat stirring occasionally.  It should end up looking like this delicious, sticky, candy-like mess on the right.

 

So, when your chicken comes off of the grill, pour your sauce over it, make sure it is all coated nicely, and enjoy this sticky, spicylicious treat!  Also - don't forget to share with everyone via sausage links - and this recipe will be archived in the phoodos section - as always!

(You get to meet the hot friends tomorrow.  Side dishes: Corn Cakes & Fajita Veggies with Chevre - yep, goat cheese!  I'm insane!!!!  Oh look!  A link between the Spanish and the French exists after all!  I'm getting crazy!!!)

Eat Me! ....Bacon, and Egg Yolks, and Carbs, OH MY!

Today, I started back down my path to healthy.  Granted, that did include more than one coke, but I only slept for a few hours and I had to have something to make it through class.  Knowing that I was going to make an effort to do the healthy thing again.... last night was the final fat-filled feast. Oh yes, Bacon, Egg Yolks, and Carbs!  CARBSSSSSSSS!  If you can't make this dish this week, I understand, save this week's challenge for a special occasion - but do complete it sometime as a treat.  I call it.... the epitome of health.  Other people call it pasta carbonara.

Oh tasty, bacony, pasta, I could eat you all day!  But I don't want to be 600 pounds and unable to get off of the couch, so I will share you with the world - and we can share the wealth of obesity, and none of us will have a problem getting off of the couch.... hopefully.  **Disclaimer, don't even consider saying something dumb like "Casey made me fat".  I told you to share the wealth of obesity.  Don't be a glutton, you a-hole!**

What you'll need

• A good size skillet
• A stove/range/hot plate - something to heat up that skillet with!
• A pair of tongs
• A big pot
• Pasta of your choice - I used fettuccine
• Water for boiling
• Salt
• A colander - or a spaghetti spoon, your choice
• BACON! or pancetta if you want to be fancy and authentic.  Believe me, I want to be, but my supermarket doesn't carry pancetta and I wasn't going to wait around looking for it when bacon works!
• Fresh Parmesan
• A grater
• A scraping spatula
• Some garlic
• 2, count 'em, TWO eggs
• A sink, soap, and a towel
• Pepper - in a grinder if you've got it.  This is a time when freshly ground black pepper is actually necessary.
• A ladle
• A whisk
• A bowl to serve in
• Paper towels (if you're going with bacon)
• A knife and a cutting board and a garlic press, if you have one

I think that's it.  Some people put parsley in it, but its a waste of my time! Kinda like measuring.  

Let's do this!

1. Wash your hands, and prep your meat!  You need about 1/2 a pound of bacon or pancetta.  Dice the meat and wash your hands again.
2. Fill your pot with water, and get it on the heat.  This is really quick, so get the water heating fast - turn up the heat!  Depending on the pasta you choose, you may want to get the pasta in before moving on.
3. Get your skillet on the heat, medium should be sufficient. If you're using pancetta, drizzle in some olive oil.
4. Toss the meat on the heat, then press in a few cloves of garlic. (Do a fine chop if you don't have a press)
5. Grab the bowl, whisk, two eggs, the Parmesan, the grater, ladle, and your pepper grinder.  If this is a challenge, I suggest growing longer arms, or getting out a bigger bowl. put it on the counter where it is all going to be convenient.  Maybe grab a couple of hot pads too.
6. Grate the Parm into the bowl, honestly, I grated until I couldn't grate anymore.  use the amount of cheese that you want.  Whisk in the yolks only of the eggs, and ladle in a bit of pasta water, continuing with the whisk so your yolks don't scramble (yeah, man, tempering!)
7. Drain the noodles, or fish them out with your spaghetti spoon, throw them in the bowl, dump the garlicy meat on top (minus some of the drippings if you have a lot of bacon drippings).
8. Mix your pasta up well, crack some pepper on top, and give it some more cheese if you want.
9. Eat and cry, cry and eat.

So, welcome to the challenge!  Eat Me!  If you want to double team the challenge, have a dinner party, cook, eat, enjoy, and post phoodos and sausage links!  Good luck!  I'll try to be healthy-ish next time!  Yeah, SUNDAY!  

I think I figured it out!

I was watching Shrek last night, and I think I know what I'm going to do so I will get back in the blogging habit.  Other than this week, I'm going to post a weekly challenge on Sunday evenings entitled "Eat Me".  My portion is to cook, photograph the food, and complete a post, your portion, to cook it and eat it, of course!  And maybe report back on the results if you want to be really fun!  (By maybe, I mean you better do it!) Good luck!

...for Katie and her followers

My blogging comrade, Katie, posted her Wednesday Hodgepodge today, and mentioned that her favorite "sauteed in garlic and butter" food is something I made!!  Here's the deal, I have to give the real credit to the Food Network!  The spinach-artichoke nachos I made for our friend Tara's baby shower ..... recipe came right out of my spiffy little 50 Nachos book!  (Every magazine comes with a mini cookbook of 50 recipes for one item... for instance, 50 pancakes, 50 burgers, 50 nachos..... you get the picture.)

Anywho, many thanks to the Food Network for the super recipe(s) - and many thanks to Katie for the shout out!

What you will need

• An oven
• A stove
• A skillet
• A scraping spatula
• A spoon
• Some Parmesan cheese (this should be grated - so either buy it that way, or grab a grater)
• A couple of cloves of garlic
• Butter
• Heavy cream
• A measuring cup
• A sharp knife
• Cutting board
• Garlic press (optional)
• Worcestershire sauce
• Lemon juice
• Salt and Pepper
• 12 cups of fresh spinach (If you think I really measured this, you're nuts! Most of the recipe provided by FN doesn't have measurements, I just bought the bag of spinach, chopped it up, and added heavy cream and other ingredients accordingly - just check the texture and flavor)
• 1 can of artichoke hearts - water packed (I also didn't measure this, but they want you to use 1 cup)
• Shredded mozzarella
• Tortilla chips (I used Tostitos Scoops - at the shower, we served these as an appetizer.  The Scoops made them nice for non-spillage!  But, by all means, use what you like!)
• A baking sheet
• Can opener
• A colander
• A sink with running water that is suitable for drinking
• A clean kitchen towel

Okay, as usual, I'm hoping I mentioned everything you will need.  Sorry if I didn't actually succeed. 

Let's do this!

1. Fire up the oven to 475 - let it heat up while you're concocting.
2. Do some prep-work.  Dump the spinach in the colander, run it under the water - give it a really nice rinse.  Spinach is dirty, people!  I don't care if it says triple-washed.  Set the spinach aside to drip - or if you are in some kind of hurry, spread out your kitchen towel, drop the spinach on, roll it up, and allow the towel to soak up the excess water.  In the mean time - chop your garlic if you don't have a garlic press.... and/or grate your Parm if you didn't buy it grated. (You'll need 1 cup of grated Parmesan if you're doing the hard work yourself.  I'll be honest, I buy mine grated for this.)  Once the spinach is (mostly) dry - give it a rough chop.
3. When your colander is available for action again, open the can of artichoke heart, dump them in the colander, and give them a rinse.  Let them drain while you continue.
4. Heat your skillet - really, medium is enough - and add butter.  The original recipe doesn't specify how much - so clog your arteries a little or a lot (I choose a lot!)
5. When the butter is nice and melty, smells delish, and starts to get bubbly, toss in your chopped garlic, or use your press on a couple of cloves right over the skillet.  (When I said "a couple"  I'm sure I used more than 2.... more like 4)  Use your spatula and give the butter and garlic a whirl.
6. Add the spinach, about 1/3 cup of heavy cream, your Parmesan, some Worcestershire, lemon juice, and salt & pepper.
7. While your mixture is cooking, stir it occasionally, grab the artichoke hearts and give them a quick chop.  When the spinach is wilted, toss the artichokes in, turn the heat off, and make sure everything is incorporated well.  (Note - at this point, if you need more liquid, add some, and continue cooking until you get the consistency you want - same goes if you have too much, just keep  the heat on while your spinach-artichoke mix thickens up.)
8. At this point, if you aren't using Scoops, then spread your chips out on the baking sheet, and spread the topping on.  If you are using Scoops, use a spoon to fill them, and place them on your baking sheet.  (Did I mention, the Scoops route makes clean-up easier....)  Sprinkle the nachos with shredded mozzarella, and toss them in the oven for about 7 minutes, or until the cheese is melted.  Done and done!

Just a note, I'm sure that this would also work as dip, too.  Just pour the topping into a baking dish, top it with cheese, toss it in the oven to melt the cheese, maybe heat the chips if you're feeling really nice.... your choice!

Hope you all enjoy!  I know Katie will!!!  The recipe will be indexed in phoodos along with the other past recipes.  Hope you'll follow, or at least make a stop by now and then!  Glad to have you all!  And, if you get any - please (sausage) link up!

The Food Network - 50 Nachos - Spinach-Artichoke (20)

<http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes-and-cooking/50-nachos/index.html>

....this is the summer of the strawberry panty wetter!

Let's simplify this explanation.... I have a garden,with an abundance of basil.... I decided to come up with a cocktail to use some of it... okay most of it!  To explain the rest.... My favorite local band, The Swamp Tigers, are the headliners in my summer, maybe my year.  I'm not sure yet, but I can't seem to get enough of them lately!  That doesn't exactly explain things for you, though... the guys have mentioned that Blake's bass has been referred to as "the panty wetter".

Anywho, I made a delicious summer drink, THE drink of my summer.  ... so, the first night that I made this delicious concoction for myself, I was rocking a pretty sweet buzz!  Somehow, despite my intoxication, I managed to pull together a Swamp Tiger's inspired name for this strawberry-basil deliciousness in a glass - The Swamp Tigers and the drink are the only items necessary to explain my summer!  So, perhaps you should mix up a pitcher of strawberry panty wetters for yourself the next time you want the perfect summer night drink (not that PBR isn't the perfect summer night drink!  maybe you just need/want something other than beer - and I promise, this is NOT just a girly drink!  My family is full of hardcore beer dudes - most of them have tried it, and agree it is delish!) ... and DEFINITELY go catch the Swamp Tigers!

So, I think I am done with the pre-recipe ramblings, on with it!

What you will need

• A pitcher or two (2 Quarts will probably be a good size)
• Some strawberries
• A measuring cup (metric measurement is kinda necessary)
• A bunch of fresh basil  (if you want to forgo the cost at the grocery, I'm happy to share - come by the house, I have more than enough to share!  Honestly - I will give you a start of your own if you want!)
• Some sugar
• A potato masher, or a muddler
• A sharp knife
• A cutting board
• A sink with running water [(soap, and towel too... you will want to wash your hands, this gets sticky!) That's what he said!]
• Some prepared lemonade of your choice - we will say a quart (I use Country Time Pink Lemonade mix)
• Some gin
• Something to stir with

Alright, I think that is everything you need, other than some ice and glasses - and straws if your intentions include getting trashed!

Let's do this!

1. Rinse the strawberries and give them a slice.  Put the sliced strawberries in the bottom of the pitcher, and top them with a healthy dose of sugar.  (I add the sugar to ensure that the strawberries will be sweet - just guess on the amount of sugar by tasting the berries after smashing.)
2. Smash the berries with the potato masher or muddler.  Taste them to make sure that they are sweet enough, then set the pitcher aside. (Don't be gross, make sure you use a clean spoon, or clean hands - and don't double dip, sicko!)
3. Rinse the basil leaves, slice them in thin ribbons (that's a chiffonade for you fancy chefs out there) and stir the basil into the strawberries.
4. Add  200mL of gin to the berries and basil.  Then, stir in a quart of lemonade.
5. Let the flavors marry together for about an hour before serving.  Longer won't hurt!  **Disclaimer, beware of the strawberries the next day, they soak up the gin, and they WILL get you jacked up!**
6. When you are ready to serve, keep a stirring utensil handy. The strawberries sink, and the basil floats - just give it a stir before pouring so every glass will have gets some goodies!

I hope you enjoy!  Be sure to share your sausage links - and you'll have access to this recipe and other past recipes through the phoodos page!  And don't forget to check out The Swamp Tigers!! (Perhaps you'll be sharing your own ST-inspired recipe, too!)  Also, be on the lookout for Tequila Lime Wings and Carolina-style Slaw!  Happy Summer!

...one for the surrogate brother

So, my forever surrogate brother has developed a sort of cooking illness.  He wants to learn, I want to share my knowledge with him, but he is totally in to baking, which I mostly suck at.  I have been working really hard on my baking skills in my time off.  (By the way, sorry for the absence.  I got a new job, I am adjusting my schedule, but I haven't stopped cooking!  I have just had to take a leave of absence from posting until I figure out when I can do it.) He inspired me - I got a photo of muffins that he baked, I was so proud!  So, a recipe to share with FSB - strawberry muffins with cream cheese drop icing.  This is a family recipe for strawberry bread.  So if any of you out there remember it from the KC's Sub Shop days, do enjoy!

What you will need
Some all-purpose flour
Baking soda
Granulated sugar
Salt
Cinnamon
Strawberries (you can use fresh or frozen, frozen will give a more consistent result)
4 large eggs
Some vegetable oil
Cooking spray or butter to grease the pans
2 loaf pans or two muffin pans
A mixer
A whisk
A couple of measuring cups
Measuring spoons
An oven and hot pads/oven mitts
Something to smash with - like a potato masher (heavy duty one) or a mix n chop
Mixing bowl(s)
8 ounces of cream cheese
A pound (yes, a pound) of confectioner's sugar
1/3 cup heavy cream
A couple of scraping spatulas

I think that is everything, unless you want to use a cooling rack for cooling purposes.  It isn't a horrible idea.  Oh, also keep your sink, soap and hand towel on standby after you deal with the raw eggs.  Safety first!

Let's do this!

1. Wash your skanky hands.
2. Preheat the oven to 350.
3. Use measuring cups and a measuring spoons to dump these items into a mixing bowl:
• 3 cups of flour
• 1 teaspoon of baking soda
• 2 cups of granulated sugar
• 1 teaspoon of salt
• 3 teaspoons of cinnamon
4. Whisk your dry ingredients together to break up any lumps in the flour.
5. Then, break the eggs into a separate bowl or measuring cup, and use the whisk to beat the hell out of them.
6. Dump the eggs in with the dry ingredients, and follow that up by adding 1 1/4 cups of vegetable oil.
7. Quickly smash the strawberries in a separate bowl, then add them to the other ingredients.  Hit it all with the mixer until everything is well incorporated.
8. Grease your pans with butter or cooking spray.
9. Use your scraping spatula to make sure you get all of the batter into the pans and out of the bowl.  (sometimes those strawberries like to stick to the bowl)
10. Pop the filled pans into the oven for about an hour.
11. Please allow your loaves to cool completely before attempting to ice them.  Better yet, if you are really making these into loaves (I made mine into muffins) I would suggest that you just serve the icing on the side.
12. Make some icing, mmmmkay!
1. Whip the cream cheese with the mixer until it looks light and fluffy.
2. Slowly add the heavy cream, allowing it to incorporate into the cream cheese.
3. Once the cream is incorporated, slowly add in the confectioner's sugar in small amounts until it has all been added and you end up with icing.  (Don't dump it all in at once.  Breathing in sugar particulates seems cool, but it isn't!  Delicious, yes!  Good for the lungs, probably not.)
13. Okay, so slice the bread when it is cooled, or serve it up as muffins if you prefer (I guessed on the bake time when I did muffins - just keep an eye out after about 12 minutes.)  Store the icing in the fridge and serve it on the side if you chose bread-style. (Hello, maximize the icing to bread ratio!!)

I hope everyone enjoys, and hopefully there will be more recipes to come soon! As always, please share any comments, and sausage links!  And you'll find this archived in the phoodos section!

...my favorite crowd pleaser

This is my favorite crowd pleasing dish.  I make it for fun, casual dinner night, potlucks, class..... you name it, there's a chance I'm going to show up with this dish!  I first had it in November.  It is a Pampered Chef recipe - and it is from their Fall/Winter 2010 Season's Best recipe collection.  I really suggest buying these mini cookbooks, even if you can't buy anything else when invited to shows.  (Actually, you can buy them online if no one invites you to a show!)  The books are a buck, yeah, ONE DOLLAR, people!  The current edition, Spring/Summer 2011, has 26 recipes.  26 recipes for a dollar?!  I'm in!  Even if I don't love everything in the book, it is a dollar!  Plus, you know I love ripping recipes apart and making something I love from the bits and pieces.  The books have recipes that can be money savers - they are labeled "Around $2 per serving!".  The recipe I am about to share, happens to fall in to that category!  I told you, I give credit where credit is due - and I think these recipe collections are worthy of some recognition

So, now you're ready to run away because I had to plug a product - I'll get on with the recipe!

What you will need

• A sink (soap and a towel would be good, too)
• An oven
• A stove (cook top, range, whatever you have - use a hot plate if you can make it work)
• A bar pan, or some other type of shallow baking pan - you can make a cookie sheet work
• A colander (just like with the pineapple salsa, not totally necessary)
• A cutting board (two if you want to avoid doing dishes in the middle of things)
• A sharp knife (or three)
• A nonstick skillet
• A pair of tongs
• Two mixing bowls
• A scraping spatula
• 1 refrigerated pizza crust (13.8oz is suggested.  I don't know if that is the Pillsbury thin crust size, but I find it works better - but the baking times will vary)
• A bunch (one bunch, not a bunch meaning a ton) of scallions - the recipe actually calls for 1/2 an onion, but I think the scallion cooks in - no crunch and no over powering onion flavor.  Use whatever you prefer.
• 1 fresh jalapeño
• 8 ounces of Colby-Jack cheese - we should discuss this.  If you have something similar in your fridge already and it isn't Jarlsberg, Chevrie or Bleu (you get the picture) - you should be okay.  Also, depending on your preference and/or the price tag - you can buy shredded or  you can shred your own.  If you are going to shred your own, please have your preferred grating tool on hand.
• Some chicken - I usually buy the least expensive pack of tenders or breast cutlets (I am not about to measure out 2 cups of cooked chicken, by the way - but that is what the recipe calls for if you want to buy the precooked strips from the freezer section.)
• 1/2 cup green taco sauce - I use Tabasco, if you won't use it for anything else, just get the 5oz bottle and use the whole thing.
• 3 cloves of garlic
• A garlic press, or a mini grater
• Some grape tomatoes (again, I don't measure, but it says 1/2 cup)
• Some fresh cilantro
• You probably want a pizza cutter, or the tool you usually cut pizza with if you don't have one
• Some vegetable oil or your choice of cooking spray kind of stuff

That seems like a really long list, so I'm fairly confident I got it all in there.  Keep your hot pads and trivets handy - this is a double baker.

Let's do this!

1. First and foremost, wash your hands.  Keep this in mind throughout cooking this recipe!  You have to deal with some raw chicken, well, maybe you do... Just wash your hands and don't question me like a two year old!
2. Grab the colander, and put the tomatoes and pepper in for a wash.  Go ahead and give the cilantro and scallions a wash at this time, too.  Just remember that it is better to dry both with a clean kitchen towel or some paper towels so you aren't left with herb mush.
3. Set your clean produce aside, and get cracking on the chicken.  Heat your skillet on medium heat with a small amount of vegetable oil or cooking spray.  
4. Add the chicken (leave the pieces whole) and cook through (juices will run clear).
5. Wash your hands after handling raw chicken.
6. Remove the skillet from the heat, and allow to rest.
7. Wash your hands again.
8. Preheat the oven to 425.
9. Grab a cutting board, knife, mixing bowl, grater (if you are grating your own cheese) and garlic press/mini grater - and take any necessary breaks before you begin chopping.
10. Grate about 1/2 cup (that's 4oz) of your cheese into the mixing bowl. (Or just add it in if you bought it already shredded.)  Add the taco sauce to the bowl, then press or grate the garlic in to the bowl with the sauce and cheese.
11. Finely chop the jalapeño, adding it to the bowl.  (Seed the pepper before chopping for a milder version.)
12. Cut the bulb end off of the scallions and discard.  Chop the scallions, and add desired amount to the mixing bowl with cheese, sauce, garlic and pepper.
13. Put your cutting board and knife in the sink, replace with clean tools.  (This is where you have to wash the dirty ones, if you don't have another set, or if you choose not to use another set.)
14. Dice the chicken that has been resting and add it to the bowl.  Use your scraping spatula to mix the ingredients well, and set aside.
15. Put your dirty cutting board and knife in the sink.  Wipe the counter off if you made a mess.
16. Get your bar pan/cookie sheet/whatever you are using, and spray it with cooking spray.  (You can brush on vegetable oil - your choice)
17. Grab the pizza dough from the fridge, and unroll it.  Take care when stretching the dough across the bottom of the pan.  Pinch any tears back together.
18. Bake the dough for about 13 minutes, or until it is golden brown.  (It doesn't have to be completely done, you are going to put it back in for 7 minutes later.  This blind baking just keeps the crust from turning soggy.)
19. While the dough is baking, wash up a cutting board and knife, or get round three ready to go.  Begin quartering the tomatoes.  (A utility knife is a good choice for the tomatoes.  It will allow more precision, and reduce the risk of chopping your fingers off.)
20. When the crust is golden, remove it from the oven.  Don't forget to use your hot pads and trivets.  Stir your chicken and cheese mixture again, then top the crust with the mixture.  
21. Top the mixture with your remaining cheese.  Sprinkle it on if it is already grated, or grate it directly over the pizza.
22. Put the pizza back in the oven for an addition 7 minutes or until the cheese is melted. 
23. While the pizza is finishing up in the oven, finish with your tomatoes if you haven't already.  Then, give your cilantro a rough chop with a sharp knife.
24.  Grab your hot pads and remove the pizza from the oven, placing the hot pan on trivets or a cooling rack.
25. Sprinkle the tomatoes and cilantro on top of the hot pizza.  Give the pizza a minute to cool before you attempt shoving it in your mouth.  You should probably cut it first, too!

The recipe collection claims this recipe can feed six.  That's 6, 2-piece servings.  If you are taking this to a potluck, you can cut it into smaller pieces - but I typically make at least a double.  I know this seems like a lot of steps and a long list of needs - so, if ends up being too much effort, I hope it pays off.  I will also say, I go for the multiple knife and cutting board route.  Stopping to wash dishes in the middle of recipes SUCKS!

I have made the topping in advance as well.  It works fine, you'll just want to get it out of the fridge and bring it closer to room temperature before you pile it on the crust.  Good luck, link up with some sausages, and as always, this will be added to the phoodos for easy searching.

The Pampered Chef. (2010). Chicken Enchilada Pizza. In Season's Best Recipe Collection (Fall/Winter 2010 ed., pp. 22-23). Addison, Illinois.

....pineapple salsa - I think

When I lived in Arizona, I didn't see nearly as much as I wanted to.  For the month before I left (honestly, I was supposed to be gone, but it turned in to working for another month, so I just tried to use the time wisely) I decided I was going to do and see as much as possible.  That is when I FINALLY went to the Grand Canyon, Meteor Crater, and I decided to actually eat at all of the local places I had been recommending to customers.  I had only heard about Salsa Brava a million times.  I honestly didn't recommend it that much.  I hadn't eaten there, it was not exactly close to the hotel, and it was a bit cliche to me.  You see, the joint was featured on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.  So, of course, I was on that.... great, it will be filled with tourists AND it is a dive bandwagon.  I was bored and hungry, though.  So, I decided I would check them out for lunch on a weekend.  The first time I rolled in that joint, they had just opened for the day, everything was fresh and delicious!  On my second visit, I wasn't as happy.  The main I ordered was a bit over cooked.  But, looking back, it was a few days before I left, and it gave me a chance to say: I can make that myself, and I don't need to go back to Arizona for it.  I have done salmon fajitas a couple of times since I left Arizona - but apparently, people have a phobia of fish tacos of any kind.  Grow up, people!  It sounds dirty, sure... but fish tacos are delicious!  And salmon fajitas with mango salsa are no exception!  But that is not the focus of what I created thanks to Salsa Brava!  They have a huge salsa bar.  They bring chips to your table, then you have free reign over the salsa bar.  If you can dream it up, they have probably served it at some point! (They have a cookbook out.  Apparently I can only buy it from their website.  When I have $21 to waste on a cookbook, I'll consider it.)  I had their pineapple habanero salsa.  Spicy and delicious!!  When I came back, I decided I could give it a try.  There are a few people who can tell you of its tasty deliciousness.  But, there is a bit of a problem.  I rarely cook things exactly the same twice.  Baking, okay.... cooking.... yeah right!  I tend to throw a little of this in, a little of that.... I know I shared a written version with Crys for her birthday.  I am hoping the copy from my recipe box is a match! So, without further hesitation.... I give you pineapple salsa

(It doesn't typically look that orange, by the way.  I told you, I don't always put the same stuff in there!!  I tossed in a little orange bell pepper when I took this picture.)

What you will need

• A sink (you have to wash the produce, DUH!  and your hands!)
• A colander (this isn't all that necessary, really)
• A cutting board or two
• A really sharp knife (you need this even if you have one or both of the other items), a pampered chef pineapple wedger, or a friendly supermarket produce employee
• A food processor or blender
• A bar pan, roasting pan, or a 9x13 (or two)
• Some parchment paper (this is optional - it can help with your clean up, though)
• A couple of bowls
• Some ice
• A spoon
• An oven
• 1 small sweet onion
• A fresh pineapple
• 2 fresh jalapeños or 1 habanero (This stuff is spicy, you can make it more tame if you want - Try 1 jalapeño or 1/2 a habanero if you prefer a version that is more mild)
• A few cloves of garlic
• Some tongs
• A couple of cooling racks that fit in to the bottom of your pan
• 3 limes
• Some fresh cilantro
• Sugar
• Salt - I use kosher or sea salt, but I am fairly sure when I first made this I was tossing around table salt
• Chips for serving - I like On the Border Cafe Style... use what you like

I hope that was everything.  I am going to mention, I have done this on the grill.  So, if you prefer to grill rather than bake, you will want a grill basket or some foil.  If you grill, transfer the produce to a bowl so you can spray them with oil before grilling.  I do the pineapple and peppers directly on the grill.  Other items in the grill basket.  Also, you won't really need to slice the peppers in half - just chop the stem end off.  Also, if your pineapple could be better (supermarkets don't always have the best) you can sweeten it up with some brown sugar before you cook it.  Okay... I think that is all....

Let's do this!

1. Wash your hands, then give the pepper(s), limes and cilantro a go. Pepper(s) and limes in the colander... cilantro needs a shower and then you will want to put it on paper towels or a clean dish towel to dry.
2. Prep your pan.  If you are using parchment paper, line the pan, then put the cooling racks in the pan.  Put the pan to the side so you can move your produce directly to the pan when it is chopped.
3. Grab your cutting board and that sharp knife.  Peel the garlic cloves by smashing them with the side of your knife and your fist.  Transfer the whole, peeled cloves directly to the roasting pan.
4. Now, grab the onion, cut off the ends, peel and quarter it.  Toss it on the pan, and move on to the peppers.  Those are easy too!  Cut off the stem end, cut in half, throw it on the pan.
5. Next, cut the limes in half.  Set two or three halves aside, the others go on the roasting pan.  (Yes, I am aware this is kind of weird)
6. Now for the pineapple.  If you are fancy, and you have the pineapple wedger, use it.  If you don't want to mess around with preparing the pineapple yourself - ask the friendly supermarket produce employee to clean and core it for you.  If you are brave - chop off the top, and bottom.  Then, stand the pineapple on an end, and cut the tough rind off in strips.  After the pineapple is clean, cut off the fleshy pieces, leaving the core behind for your compost pile or garbage can.  Move the pineapple pieces to the roasting pan, wash your hands, and get ready to broil.
7. You will want to broil until the ingredients are browned (a little char is okay).  Flip everything over, go again on the broiling.  Be careful not to completely burn the garlic.   If there is a hot spot under your broiler, put the pineapple under it.
8. When your ingredients are sufficiently browned (just guess) - take the pan out, and pop the ingredients into the food processor or blender. (Please squeeze the roasted limes in.  Don't put the gross peel into the salsa. Also, use the tongs, because those things are HOT!)  Add the juice from the remaining lime halves, some cilantro, and season with sugar and salt - annihilate to the desired consistency - transfer to a bowl.
9. Grab a bowl that is larger than the one you poured the salsa into, put ice and a little bit of cold water in, and put the salsa bowl in the icy bathtub you created so it will cool off.  During the cooling process, you will want to stir the salsa to redistribute the heat.  Also - be sure to taste it to make sure that you have seasoned it to your liking.  

Once cooled, serve with some chips.... or whatever else you want, I suppose.  I think that's it.  So - enjoy.... and tell me I'm ridiculous if I left out a bunch of stuff. This will, as always, be added to the phoodos, and I hope you'll (sausage) link up.  I am positive SOMEONE has at least one!